I feel like i cant love anymore. I want to love but it just won't come to me. This goes beyond romantic love, but there its probably the strongest. I wonder sometimes if it's those around me, and im not really sure. I've found that most of my friends I just don't really care about. Its not that I feel nothing towards them, obviously I want them to succeed and do well, to grow and become the people i think they can be, but i don't feel that drive to see them. It feels like if I never saw one of them again it wouldn't be such a big deal. Obviously if something horrible happened and one of them died or something I would be sad, but if they just moved away I dont know if I'd really be that effected. The best way I can think to put it is that I feel as though there is an emotional dimension on my part that is lacking. It is not that I feel our relationships are shallow, but rather that I cannot bring about the feelings I believe they deserve. I feel a particular consternationation romantically as well, as the women I find myself entangled with are smart, funny, and attractive, and all it feels as though I should feel a certain way about them, but instead I have a certain detachment. I dont know why but I lack an excitement that i think should be there, a desire to see her, a deeper sense of longing. I dont have that drive anymore to see anyone, so while I enjoy seeing them, it doesn't yield that fulfillment of drive that creates joy, so rather i'm just like, oh great im here with whoever.
Thinking about problems with love as they relate to gender for young people. I think in my experience women who suffer as a result of love feel a great need or void that is to be filled by love. I think there's a plea to be loved. As a man I think young men experience the same but opposite, a desire for love but an inability to love, or to care. I notice frequently how i want to love but cant bring about the feelings. Are these two sides of the same coin? idk maybe. Maybe its that young women are capable of loving while being unable to receive love, and young men are unable to love while receiving love. Perhaps its that young men are conditioned to be abstracted from love, while women are conditioned to be too bound to it.
IF ANYONE EVER FUCKING SHOWS ME THIER INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT AGAIN I WILL BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT