4/23/23

whats normal? how can i bring up how i live to her and not be fucking sad. i dont want to lie to her, but i know ill inevitably have to tell her, and i know ill cry- i always do. the worst part is im not even that sad about it. i dont really think about it at all. its only when i have to explain why i live alone. how am i supposed to tell her why i cant live with my mom, or why i dont text like i should. I don't want to be the loser. i dont want to be the shitty one. i dont want her pity, i just wish it was normal. maybe it is normal but i wish i didnt live like this and i wish i didnt cry every time i talk about it. I wish she would text me instead. she makes me feel like a bug sometimes. i feel so fucking insignificant around her. i know im the one feeling this way and she has really nothing to do with it, but its still there. will this ever go away? maybe i just need more sleep.

i cant stand to pity myself anymore, its so fucking stupid and i hate myself for it. i need to fucking grow up

i dont know if things will last with her anyways. i want them to but idk. when we're together its great, but when we're apart im miserable. i dont want her to know. i want to be the guy she wants me to be. i'm afraid i wont be able to which sucks because it shouldnt really be hard. having friends and community, getting a job, being determined. these shouldn t be hard but they are. idk what i can really do either. soon shell find out and leave or stay out of pity. i dont want either. i want her to want me

i dont want to be alone this summer, i dont know how ill make it through. i know ill be alone with or without her. i have nothing to look forward to anymore